.welcome to the ever-changing | (me)

i miss feeling things.

so, it’s been about 2 months since i’ve moved to san francisco. there have been a lot of things, events & emotions that i’ve been through/going through.

things i love:
- i buy myself flowers.
- i walk almost everywhere.
- i bike more.
- i’ve been outside more, here, than when i was home.
- people say “hi” and mean it.
- i’m more active, here, by default & by choice.
- motivation comes with the atmosphere.

however, the thing i just recently experienced (the past few days) was a bit of “sadness”. the morning of my birthday gathering, i felt, (for a lack of better term), “depressed.” the obligatory worry and quandary of “am i doing all i can with my life at this point?” rose its ugly head. i spent the good part of my morning & afternoon just really sad. then, i put my headphones on & went for a walk. i, again, took notice of my surroundings, the people walking the streets, their dogs & everything else in-between. i, immediately, smiled & remembered why i decided to move here. there is opportunity everywhere. some of the things i was insecure about before, don’t exist here.

that’s something else i should add to the aforementioned list; san francisco won’t allow me to stay “sad” for too long. i just have to step outside and am reminded that i get to be…me…whatever that may be for that day (or beyond).

i do miss my family back at home (both blood & chosen family). i miss being able to call anyone, at last minute, to grab a bite. the offset to that is - i don’t mind exploring the city on my own and finding new places. i love my friends here & i’m sure i’ll be making more friends in due time (i’ve met some really great new people thus far! some just not as close as my chosen family at home, yet).

all in all, i feel San Francisco is a great fit for me for now. i love the vibe & i love the people. what’s most inspiring to me is experiencing all these new opportunities & things which, in turn, is allowing me to experience my own evolution.

thanks, San Francisco!

so, i’m doing it.  i’m finally moving to San Francisco after living in Orange County for the majority of my almost-33 years of life.  i’ve been looking forward to this day for over a year now.  but, now that it’s finally getting closer, i’m starting to get sad…and scared.  i talked to my mom last night and started crying after we got off the phone.  she had no idea.  And, while we were talking, i already started to miss her and i haven’t even left yet.

i realize i have such a strong, dependable and loving foundation here.  i’ve spent over 3 decades of my life here building and nurturing these relationships that it scares me to think about not having that “safety net” in San Francisco.  Granted, there are memories and relationship that i’ve already started to establish in the bay.  but who is going to be able to tell me “it’s ok” & comfort me during the first few weeks while i get acclimated?  with the exception of k, (who has her own life of course), who can i call at 4am, scared, sobbing and homesick to remind me the city is beautiful and i’ll be alright?

this blog is starting to sound a bit dependent. but, the truth of the matter is, i’m just scared.  i’m leaving all i know, people that love me, people that have undoubtedly have been there for me at anytime…at any hour of the day - for something new…”new” is definitely exciting…but leaving that security, the people i trust and the people i know i can depend on is really scary for me…

sitting here in the dark with the xm radio & laptop screen as my only source of light.  i need an “electronics detox”, but at this moment…it’s actually nice.

i spent a lot of time with my mom & step-dad today.  i was reminded of exactly how much i love them.  i haven’t been feeling too great, lately.  been having a bit of an “emotional down”.  but after spending time with my parents and talking with them about “life” i feel a little bit better.  and it wasn’t necessary the content of our various conversations, but just the undoubtedly secure feeling of being cared about, interested in and loved… to them, i mean the world.

i guess that’s the great thing about “family” (whether by blood or by choice), without a doubt, you watch out for each other and care for each other.

(Source: unknown)

“…my heart’s not in it. I did it because I felt bad…”